This morning I woke up at 6am, and went to get a drink. I tried and tried to get back asleep but couldn't, plus I had an appointment with Ken at 11:30am so I wasn't gonna get much sleep.
Around 8am I started cutting. Up to now my arms have been healing very well and really, there isn't much you can see in the way of marks. That changed though this morning because I got the blade and started on the underside of my left arm. That wasn't enough though. The blade I'd been using had lost it sharpness so I wasn't really cutting as deep as I wanted to. I took a new blade out of the pack and started cutting again. It obviously cut the skin a lot easier, but it wasn't as deep as I wanted, so instead of doing it slow, I did quick slashes which were much better, because it went much deeper than the ones I can do with slow cuts.
I done 3 of these and then another, and this one opened right up, and bled a lot. It was dripping blood. Eventually after about 10 minutes I got it to stop bleeding and took a look at it. I knew even before I'd done it that I was gonna need stitches for at least one cut.
Cutting makes me feel like I don't have any energy. I feel very tired afterwards. So, I went back to sleep, with a gaping wound.
When I got up my mum saw that I'd been cutting and I showed her my arm. I told her it needed stitches, but in the end, I didn't go because I wasn't willing to wait there for so many hours, plus the fact that I feel very uneasy in the hospital.
So now I have a wound that will take quite some time to heal, since it won't get any stitches in it.
I went to see Ken at 11:30am, except he wasn't there. So I went the town centre for some stuff my mum wanted me to get. Reluctantly I got whatever.
About 3 hours later, Carol rang me. Carol is the councillor I'd been seeing last year, but stopped because she feel ill. She had rang to see how I was and I explained that I wasn't exactly in high spirits. I told her I self harm, and she said I shouldn't worry too much about it, because I must be getting some sort of relief from it if I'm still doing it.
She asked me to come see her on Thursday, and I will, because I really like talking to Carol. I think it'll be nice to talk to her again because in some small way, she helped.
Also on Thursday, i'm going into Town to this group where people go who have low self esteem and/or self harm. They range from 14-21yr olds. I think it'll be good, and perhaps I'll meet people there who I can talk to. I hope going there and going to see Carol doesn't overlap, because I do want to see Carol.
Then i'm at the doctor's on Friday. I seem to be getting out much more often these days...it's a shame it's for all the wrong reasons...
1:34am
