There are now 7 scabs on my arm, 2 new ones included, which I did last night, along with numerous other self inflictions, including lots of pucture marks (which has turned into a bruise) and lots more red lines of blood, from scratching with a nail tack.
There is a possibility that if I keep removing the scabs from my arm, it will turn septic, and, as my mum informed me, she'll have no choice but to take me to hospital then. Possibly as an inpatient. I DO NOT WANT THAT!. It's almost a threat from her, although I know she doesn't mean it like that. It does seem like a final destination though.
My mood is definitly coming down from the 'high' I've had over the past two or three days. I can feel myself lapsing back into my normal state, ie empty. I knew it would happen.
In a way I welcome it because it's all I usually know and although it isn't a good place to be, it's what I am accustomed to. Unfortunatly.
I talked to my mum last night for around 3 hours, till 3am. Talking, of course about me, why I do it, how I feel etc. I know she's worried about me. Of course she is. It's hard talking to her though because of who she is - my mum. It's just hard to explain things to her.
On a related matter, I said to her I have a few secrets (some of you know what they are). I do actually want to tell her what at least one of them is, because then she'd probably help me with it...but it's not a thing that comes out my mouth easily. In the end I didn't tell her, but I told her that it began with 'C'. Now some of you will no doubtedly know what I mean, now that I've given you the first letter of it. I don't really care no more. Perhaps my mum also knows, because she guessed at 'C' meaning clothes, to which I answered yes. Now you will definitly know what I mean probably. She still seems stuck though.
I like having secrets, but sometimes secrets can be a weight, more than an advantage. The SI secret was definitly a weight and after I told my mum about it I did feel that that weight had been lifted from me. Unfortunatly it didn't disappear, but rather was transferred onto my mum's shoulders, and not mine. With the other secret though, it's not really a weight. I explained to her that it's nothing bad. That it's nothing to do with SI, nor is it anything on that scale. As I said, she could probably help me with it, but it would be very weird having her help me with it.
I'm sorry if all that sounds cryptic. Don't know if I am ready to explain it all properly yet, although I don't know why. You can probably guess from what I've said in the last paragraphs anyway.
6:36pm
