Basically...
"Neil can I go on the computer"
"No, not yet"
"Well when can I?"
"Not yet"
"Neil, I need to go on it"
"Laura go down"
"Neil I'm going on it in 10 minutes"
"LAURA GO DOWN"
"I.."
"GO DOWN!"
Argh. Nag nag nag.
So, I got up. Reluctantly. In a bad mood. Probably because of the above. Then, I could hear from downstairs...
[To mum] "Neil won't let me go on the computer"
and more and more.
Then, living room door opens. Out comes mother.
"Neil?"
"Mum, don't start"
"I honestly wasn't going to..." (there's always a but..)
"...but Laura wants to go on the computer."
"Yeah and she can when I'm up"
Mum goes back in living room.
I sit on my bed. Start crying (which is very very hard for me to do). I want to cry more. It doesn't come, though. I get up, again.
Mum opens living room door again. Says something.
"I'm getting up as we speak..."
Collapse back on the bed crying.
Finally manage to enter the bathroom. Not before shouting Laura that she can now have the damn computer.
Looked at myself in the mirror. I think i'm ugly. My eyes are bloodshot from crying. Look in the mirror again - see a very sad guy. Wish I wasn't him.
Stay in the bathroom till I look fairly ok. Go downstairs.
Sit with my back to my mum, facing the TV.
She asks how I feel.
"Fed up" is my response.
"Of what?"
"Everything" I say.
Silence for a few minutes.
"When you feel like this, can't you be bothered with anyone?"
"No"
"Not even me?" (Like it matters who the person is?)
"No, no one"
Silence.
I start crying again. Silently. Tears running down my face. I don't wipe them away because then my mum would know that I was crying. They run onto my neck and dry up.
I stop crying, but only after a few minutes.
I feel angry.
I feel sad, but not as much as angry.
Conversation ensues about how Laura is entitled to go on the computer.
What they don't realise is that the PC is my life. When you take that away from me, you take my life away from me. Literally.
Laura is using the computer as her personal dating service to find (lucky?) guys who she can meet.
Laura (and my mum) don't realise how dangerous this is.
I've explained it to them.
They don't listen.
It's nothing unusual.
I don't get listened to.
I'm getting worse. I have proof of this on my arm.
Sister taking over my computer, means that as a consequence my room is also taken over. I am forced out of the only place I am comfortable.
This does not help things.
This will not go on.
When I finally did get back in my room, and onto the computer, I started talking to Natalie - the person who, without fail makes me feel better somehow. For which I can't thank her enough. She's definitly a good effect on me. I just wish I could be with her more. If only just for a hug. I'm just so glad I got the oppurtunity to find her last year.
Trying to help someone feel better while feeling bad yourself is a hard task. I try to do it though since I like making people happy. I care a lot about them. They're a really good friend. I wish I could be there for you.
