Contrary to my last entry, I met Ali as planned yesterday. Somehow, "I don't know", turned into 3:30pm in town for a drink in Starbucks.
I knew it wouldn't be a date. I knew that this would not end the way I would like it to and with that in mind, treated it as something different. Because of this, I didn't feel as disappointed when it ended.
Although we arranged to meet at 3:30pm, I got into town earlier than that and since I had a bit of time to spare, I went to HMV to have a look around. It felt really weird walking around Liverpool town again after being in Chester since September. It's only been a few months, but the city is in the middle of a rennovation so things are starting to look really different.
I only spent about 10 minutes in HMV, but I bought my Mum a Lionel Richie CD, before going to the station to meet Ali.
3:30pm came and went, as did 3:40pm. I was beginning to worry that I had been stood up and at 3:45pm, I got my phone out and started to dial. It was at that point that she suddenly appeared. I was relieved and surprised.
"Oh, hello!", I said and smiled.
"Hey"
"I was just gonna call you. You ok?", I said, giving her a hug, though she looked a bit taken by surprise when I did so.
We then walked to Starbucks together. Since I was taken by surprise from her just appearing out of nowhere, it took a few minutes to work up a conversation, but it happened.
Once in Starbucks, I ordered a hot chocolate and I got her a frappucino before sitting upstairs on the top floor.
I was pretty relaxed considering I'd never met her before. The fact that we had talked so much online beforehand helped. I was just...normal. I didn't feel the need to try too hard and of course I knew that this wasn't going to end with a kiss so I had to keep it friendly, rather than date-friendly.
We talked a fair bit with a few pauses now and then about various things. Once or twice, we both jumped into the conversation saying the same thing to each other and laughing when we did. It was nice.
We were in there for quite some time. We didn't leave until about 5pm. I was quite surprised we were in there that long.
The reason we left was because she wanted to get her Grandad some Walnut Whips and she asked me where she could get them from. I said I wasn't sure, but why don't we go and look. She said ok and so we did.
We eventually found them in Tesco. From Tesco, we then went into a stationery shop because I desperately needed some A3 plastic wallets. I was very surprised to see that they were so much cheaper than in Chester. Because of this, I bought three packs.
From here, I then asked Ali how she was getting home and she said the bus so I walked her to the bus stops. We were still talking while doing all of this walking too. It was just normal. I actually thought I was more talkative than her.
Yesterday was the busiest day of the year on the roads apparantly and it showed. She had to wait quite some time for her bus but I waited with her. There was a point at which I just wanted to wrap my arms around her waist and hold her close. I knew I couldn't.
Her bus came and as she waited in the queue to get on, she turned and gave me a hug goodbye. I said I'd see her online later. I waved as the bus went on its way, before making my way back home.
I didn't feel disappointed or sad or longing for anything from her, since I knew what to expect. It was nice meeting her and I'm happy that I got to be the first guy she met from the net. I'm glad that perhaps I set the bar?
Today, I met my Mum in town to buy a Christmas tree. It's a bit late to be buying one now, considering there's only three days until Christmas, but I guess now is better than never. She said that she had been asking Gary for the past two weeks to go and get one in the van, but he hadn't and right now, he's in London.
On my way to meet my Mum in town, I met Jed and Kim. I haven't seen them for quite some time so I stopped and talked to both of them for a few minutes. Just the usual stuff really like how they were, what they're doing and are they enjoying their Christmas. They invited me to a party later on at their house, but I declined.
I met my Mum and then went to get a tree with her. One of the problems that we were going to have was getting a tree home. It very much depended on the size and shape of the box. I really didn't fancy taking it on the train because it was now 4:30pm on a Friday and rush hour. Perhaps the worst time possible to buy a tree.
There were a few to choose from. One was about five foot, another was about six foot. We chose the six foot one.
"Excuse me mate", I said to the guy working there, "can we have that tree?"
"Ah, that one?"
"Yeah"
"The seven foot one?"
"..Yeah"
Seven foot, not six foot. And then, he got the box. It was huge. How huge? Well, seven foot huge. It was hidden behind some other boxes and I hadn't seen it. I was hoping the three could perhaps be in two parts, making the box smaller, but then he produced this line, narrow, 7ft box.
"Oh my god", my Mum said.
"Er", I said, "How am I gonna get that home?"
"Will it go in a cab?", my Mum asked the guy.
"I don't know, it might do?"
The three of us looked at each other.
"We'll call a cab", my Mum said to me, "We'll take it"
We also bought 60 baubles.
"We'll be back for in a few minutes", my Mum said to the guy, as we were going somewhere else to buy some tinsel. They had none, but we got some tinselly rope stuff.
Outside that shop, I called the cab office and asked if a seven foot tree would fit in one of their cabs...somehow. They said it should so I asked them to send a cab. While I did this, in the background, there was a poor guy trying to get a full to the brim trolley across a *tiny* gap in the pavement for the gutter, but it just wasn't going. If he gently eased it, it'd get stuck, if he rammed it, it'd get stuck and things would fall off the top of the trolley. So, I went over and lifted the fron of the trolley over the gap to help him. Much better.
And then things started falling off it again so he had to pile everything back up. He got everything back on the trolley except for one large flat box, which his two four and five year old kids had to carry together. It was cute seeing two kids carrying a box that was bigger than them.
And they say Christmas is a relaxing time...
It took quite a while for the cab to come, but one it did, he had to open the boot and slide the Christmas tree in and it ended up in the front part of the car. Thankfully though, it fit and we drove home. It bugged me though that Gary could have done it much easier if he had been bothered. But, Gary is Gary. He never does anyone he says he's going to do.
I set the tree up and put all of the baubles on it. It looked quite nice. It was also the first time I had ever set a Christmas tree up on my own. Not that I didn't know how to, just that it's always been either a collaboration between me, Laura and my Mum or, when I was younger, my Mum on her own.
I'm glad it's now up. It makes the house feel a least a little more Christmassy.
Unfortunately, this entry has to end on a low note. A familiar, unhappy note. Hannah.
[22:52:53] jellybaby: hey i might not get to speak to you before christmas. so have a good one ok :). and an awesome new year party. sorry i cant be there too. bet yours will be better.
[22:53:42] The Good Guy: I hope you have a nice Christmas too and a nice new year. I hope you're happy and happier.
[22:54:32] jellybaby: thankyou. i hope you are too
[22:55:11] The Good Guy: I keep thinking about you.
[22:56:04] jellybaby: you shouldn't. it's not good.
[22:56:14] The Good Guy: Yeah
Earlier tonight, I had already looked at her Myspace profile because it had new pictures of her on it. It frustrated me. I just wanted to run my hand through her hair and stroke her face. I clicked off the page in frustration, letting out an angry sigh and now here she was talking to me.
[22:57:17] The Good Guy: But you still have a place in my heart.
[22:58:06] jellybaby: and you do in mine. might be hard to believe. but i know im not right for you.
[23:00:37] The Good Guy: I was so ready to fall in love with you. And I haven't felt that for a while with a girl. But anyway...I guess it's over. But you have a place in my heart for when you might think you're ready to try again.
[23:01:57] [email protected]: i think being honest. it died before we both knew. but i'd like to try again in the future. if your not in a relationship of course. im just not ready for it now.
[23:02:52] The Good Guy: Yeah
Sigh.
[23:03:28] jellybaby: :). so we're ok?
[23:05:26] The Good Guy: I don't know if it's as easy as that...I don't know how to switch from loving and caring about you to just being your friend just like that.
[23:06:14] jellybaby: i'm not asking you too. im not asking you to be just my friend. i just you to understand where im coming from.
[23:06:36] The Good Guy: I understand that part.
[23:06:48] jellybaby: good. thats all i need to know.
I understand the part where I feel upset every time you talk to me...
[23:10:28] The Good Guy: I looked for you in pizzahut today as I passed. And I looked at your Myspace profile earlier. You have new pics. It bugged me that I keep wanting you so bad and I know that I can't have you anymore.
[23:12:13] should of known.where the man was at.: in liverpool? and no one said you couldn't have me. i just want to be "just me" ... for now. i want to be single. that doesnt mean that there is no hope for us in the future.. right?
[23:13:33] The Good Guy: I don't know if it's right to hope for it when similar things have been said in the past and it's not gotten better. But I would like it to. I'm ready when you are ready.
[23:14:48] should of known.where the man was at.: i think about you alot. i actually miss waking up with you next to me. i miss staying at your house. i miss it all. but i cant say, we can get together. because its not right. not yet.
[23:15:04] The Good Guy: I know.
[23:15:19] should of known.where the man was at.: i would like it though.
[23:15:25] The Good Guy: Me too.
[23:15:29] should of known.where the man was at.: good.
I know it's my own fault for indulging in such fantasies and thinking that there's any chance this is ever going to be better at some point in the future, but I just don't know how to not hope for it when she says things like "I think about you a lot" and "I actually miss waking up with you next to me". These are things you say to people who you want to be with. Who you ARE with. Not to people you haven't seen for months.
Then she said she was just going to call a taxi. Since it was Friday and 11pm, I knew that could only mean she was going out into town. I knew this meant that she'd probably pull and the thought of some other guy being with her makes me feel ill and more upset when I want her so much.
[23:19:13] should of known.where the man was at.: so what you doing now?
[23:19:44] should of known.where the man was at.: im not going to randomly show up. dont worry :)
[23:20:05] The Good Guy: You'd make me happy if you did.
[23:22:32] The Good Guy: Christmas should be a happy time of the year, but I can't really think of many happy Christmases and I don't think this one is very happy either really.
[23:23:01] should of known.where the man was at.: same here. mine haven't really been happy.
[23:24:38] i hate the way.you say my name.: right i have to go. speak soon.
[23:24:39] The Good Guy: I would like you under my tree on Christmas morning. It'd make me happy.
[23:24:46] The Good Guy: Bye
These little conversations are enough to make me go back to square one and destroy any kind of 'getting over time' I had accumulated in the days and weeks before she gets in touch again.
So, now I'm feeling...upset again. Upset and lonely. I would so much rather she just didn't talk to me at all than keep me hanging on like this.
But I know it's my fault too for letting her. It would be so easy just to block her on MSN and be done with it, but I don't know how to do that when she keeps offering me the hope that maybe things will be better...one day. But of course that one day could be any day.
It could be never, too.
