[23:59:21] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: im having a new year party ... so it should be cool!!
[00:00:23] The Good Guy: Ah right
[00:00:43] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: yeah not that interesting is it.
[00:01:04] The Good Guy: It's what you make it.
[00:01:50] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: its just that you dont seem interested unless your talking about yourself.
[00:02:00] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: just saying how i feel.
[00:02:26] The Good Guy: No, just that I'd rather you were at my party.
[00:03:27] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: maybe i would have been if you invited me.
[00:03:27] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: :S
[00:04:04] The Good Guy: I doubt it...I didn't really want to get all disappointed again.
Heart breaking...
[00:07:28] The Good Guy: Well you're free to come whenever. Whatever day. I don't care if it's New Years Eve or not. You always have been free to. But I don't think you are going to. I'd like you to, though.
[00:09:06] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: thanks. (Y) just as friends.
[00:09:17] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: ?*
[00:10:21] The Good Guy: I thought you liked me as more than a friend.
[00:11:07] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: i was asking you whether it was as friends.
[00:11:28] The Good Guy: I'd like to see you as more than a friend.
[00:11:53] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: i've been bad. you know
[00:12:03] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: stupid.
[00:12:07] The Good Guy: What?
[00:12:42] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: i think if i told you then you wouldnt want me anyway. so i best not.
[00:13:02] The Good Guy: Guess you've gone and done something with someone else or something.
[00:13:37] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: biggest mistake of my life.
[00:14:10] The Good Guy: Don't really know what to say.
[00:14:26] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: i didnt expect you too
[00:15:54] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: im sorry, i didnt mean it to happen. guess binge drinking fucks you abit. :(
Heart breaking more...
[00:21:58] The Good Guy: I don't think you care about me anymore, moreso. I don't want to feel this shit about caring about you. It's wrong that I have to feel like this. All I've ever wanted is for you to want me.
[00:23:36] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: i do care about you. and im not bothered if you dont want to care for me anymore. doesnt mean i wont stop. and i do and did want you, it just died alittle.
[00:26:48] The Good Guy: I don't think you're ever going to make the effort and show me you're bothered about me.
[00:27:20] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: but you make me feel bad. all the time. it kinda just makes me wanna forget about it.
[00:28:26] The Good Guy: You've not done anything to make me want to care about you the way I did...I ask for so so little from you, but you don't give it.
[00:28:27] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: theres somethings you dont understand about me. and its probably my fault for not telling you.
[00:30:49] The Good Guy: All it takes to make me smile and care about you is for you to show me that yes, you do care about me and yes, you do want me and yes, you want to actually be with me in person. But it just doesn't happen. And then you've gone and done whatever with someone else when you say you like and want me. If you wanted me so much, you'd be with me.
[00:32:02] The Good Guy: I don't even care about what you've done with someone else, what hurts and what makes me feel so sad inside is that you keep telling me you want me. You can't do this to me...
[00:33:25] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: fine ok.
[00:34:09] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: i dont even know how to explain myself anymore.
Now it's my fault.
[00:35:42] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: i dont know when i told you i wanted to be with you. but im sure i told you that i wanted to be on my own and not in a relationship. not for a while yet anyway.
You can't tell someone you want to be with them and tell them you want to be on your own as well.
[00:38:26] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: but i told you then. that it doesnt mean i dont care about you. and for now i would rather us just be friends. for the time being. i'm not expecting you to stay single untill i feel its right for us to be with eachother. cause thats not right. and i never have asked you to wait for me. all this time you have kept yourself wanting me. and probably hurt yourself more then i have hurt you.
[00:39:04] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: because i did say i liked you and i do, and i love being around you. i just dont want a relationship at all. so im not gonna just let you think that im ready because im telling you now. thats its not something im looking for right now.
[00:40:00] The Good Guy: Well I don't know what to say then except ok.
[00:40:34] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: and thats why i havent wanted to meet up with you. incase you wanted more then i did. and i wouldnt say no to you if you tried anything which is wrong.
[00:42:31] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: ok im gonna not say anything else now.
[00:42:58] The Good Guy: I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
[00:43:19] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: your not supposed to do anything.
[00:43:26] whats.all.this.talk.about.love.: i dont want you to do anything.
After that, I sat there, at the computer, wondering why the fuck I was feeling so much more shit than her when she is the one causing the problems. I sat here feeling frustrated, alone and empty. I ended up crying. I felt like an idiot for doing so.
The enxt day, I woke up feeling shit too. I didn't want to do anything. I certainly didn't want to make the effort to go to Uni. I did though, very reluctantly and once there, found that doing my work took my mind off how I was feeling.
I came back home a few hours later and did a little work on my essay.
Later that night, I got talking to a girl from Macclesfield. I had had her on my list for about a week but had yet to have a proper conversation with her. She seems nice. The conversation drifted towards sex in the end and we both had fun talking about it. I didn't get to bed until 3am and I had to be up at 7am.
I didn't get up in the end, but did manage to go in for the second half of my lesson at 11am after which I played some pool with Tom and then we bought tickets for the night out in Brannigan's later that night.
I was looking forward to it. I was in the mood to get drunk and try to forget about my shitty problems.
We walked into town together once we'd got the tickets. Tom needed to get some cash out and since the cash machine was by where I live, he asked if he could see it. He was just as shocked when I opened the door as I was when I first came here.
We ended up spending about an hour or so in my room listening to music together and browsing each other's Myspace profiles for hot girls.
He went home about 5pm and I decided to sleep for a while before heading out at 9pm to meet him in a pub before the club.
I wasn't really sure what to expect when I got there, but already, it was very busy. Everyone was watching a football game and there was a huge queue for the bar. I managed to find Tom and he was with a few of his mates. We eventually found a place to sit down and slowly, I was introduced to a few of his friends throughout the night.
I felt really uncomfortable around his friends because I didn't know any of them and I didn't really know what to talk to them about. They were nice enough and all seemed like nice people, but I came across as very quiet when I was actually more than willing to talk to them if I just could think of something to say.
I bought Tom a drink or two and he bought me some as well. We had a few shots each as well and by the time we left the pub at 10pm, he was well on his way to being pissed. I was starting to feel it, but wasn't quite there yet. I walked down the street singing Queen - Don't Stop Me Now, as it'd just come on as we left the pub and Tom joined in, along with one or two others.
The queue to get in Brannigan's was quite big. I was worried I wouldn't actually get in because I wasn't dressed right. On the ticket, it said that I needed to dress formally. I was wearing a black shirt, black jeans and black boots. I was hoping that since it was dark, they wouldn't really notice it wasn't exactly formal and thankfully, they didn't and let me in along with everyone else.
Tom bought four Sambuca shots for both of us and we downed them. I got a Budweiser after that. That took me up to four Budwesier in total, four shots of apple sours and two shots of Sambuca. Needless to say, it wasn't long before I was definitely drunk.
I was pretty happy/oblivious to anything happening around me by then. I just knew I was having a good time, dancing about with Tom and the rest of his friends, most of which are girls and most of which were wearing sexy Santa outfits. Very nice!
I even danced on the elevated stage with a group of other people and Tom. I was quite aware of what I was doing, but I just didn't care.
I ended up getting detached from the rest of them after a while, but it didn't bother me because I was too drunk to care.
For the rest of the night, I was happy dancing on my own, overlooking the rest of the club from an elevated part of the room.
I think I danced to Mariah Carey - All I Want For Christmas about three times.
At some point while I was dancing away, two girls came up to me.
"My friend over there is looking for a fuck buddy", one of them said, and proceeded to point her out.
"Ok, yeah", I replied. I knew what she was saying, but had no idea who she was pointing at and no idea why she was randomly asking me on her friend's behalf.
"Come and find her later, yeah?"
"Ok"
Then they left and then I resumed dancing. Surreal.
About 15 minutes later, two other girls stopped to put their drinks on a table by me and one of them started dancing in front of me while I was dancing too. I'm not sure whether she was dancing because she liked me or because I was just dancing so shit that she was taking the piss. I didn't mind anyway. Again, surreal!
I text Tom around 2am asking if he was still even in the club but I got no reply. I stayed in there on my own regardless, dancing away until 3am when the DJ stopped playing music and I left on a very high note. I walked home still wanting to dance, shirt half open, humming different songs.
Once home, I put some food in the oven and rest my head on the kitchen table while it cooked, trying my best to stay awake. I ate, then went to bed.
This morning, I reluctantly woke up at 11am, head spinning. Man, so hungover. I had to go to a lecture too at 1pm!
As disgusting as the next paragraph is, I'm still going to type it.
As I did get up, I realised that my arse was really sore. It had been sore yesterday too, but nothing particularly noticable. It felt like something was, er, hanging out (which can happen, go look! Wait no, you don't want to see that) so I tried pushing it back in but it was far too painful to be what I thought it was. So I took a picture of it to see a bit more clearly and it looked like piles. I researched them and it pretty much sounded like that.
I've never had piles before and never want to again! Sitting down is so uncomfortable!
I found/find it funny more than anything though. I mean, it's an embarassing subject, but also quite funny to me, not being able to sit on my arse too quickly.
I stumbled around my room and then to the shower trying my best to pull myself together, but it didn't really happen until I finally got a bit of fresh air and headed to Uni.
After the lecture, I played some pool with Tom. The score is now 59-46. I then took some library books back and came home, stopping off on the way to buy something called "Germoloids Suppositories" which apparantly help piles.
Once back home, I took a look at one of these suppositories and laughed. They're little white bullets that you're supposed to push up your arse. They're supposed to numb the area and make it less painful. So, I used one of them. It's now been an hour or two since putting it in and I guess it feels a little better, but I still have to sit down slowly otherwise it really hurts.
I go home tomorrow. I can't wait. I'm not even sure why I'm looking forward to it so much other than I'll have a great Internet connection again. How geeky is that? Regardless, I'm happy to be going home for three weeks.
I have to carry my PC and other belongings out of my room and down to the main road however which I'm not looking forward to. Someone is coming to pick me up at around 3pm.
So, that's all of my news for this week. It started off shit, but at least last night was pretty damn great. Definitely the best night out I've had while being here.
