"I love you Neil...but I don't like you. Laura loves you...but she doesn't like you"
Mum.
Sitting there, telling me every single fucking bad thing about me. Me, trying to defend myself, trying so fucking hard to not cry, to voice my defence, only it falls on deaf ears. Always deaf ears.
Telling her I feel so empty. So fucking empty. Breaking down in tears in front of her, losing any strength I had left of keeping a brave face. putting me down further and further. Two hours of crying. And then she puts her arm around me to console me. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO ME!
"What would you do if I said I didn't want you here no more? What would you do if I wanted you out?"
"I'd have nowehre to go"
I feel like leaving. Running away. Right now I feel like fucking killing myself. I feel so fucking depressed. She brings all these horrible feelings I try so damn hard to put aside, to the surface again. This is too hard. I can't keep doing this. It's breaking me. Every one of these degradations makes me so much less of a functioning person.
I'm such a fucking failure.
She hates me.
She wouldn't miss me if I were gone. If I were dead. I feel like dying. I really feel like killing myself for the first time in a long time. Have you any idea how long it's taken me to get to the point where I have no suicidal thoughts running through my head? Only for them to reappear when I try so hard not to let them.
Please help me out. Someone. Somehow. This can't keep happening. I'm breaking down. My mind is being torn apart. Please, please fucking help me. I can't do this.
I wish it was easy to tell her what I was thinking. How I felt. Give her the feelings I have. Then let her tell me that my depression isn't causing my avoidance. She makes me feel like shit.
And so I sit in this room once more, crying, going out of my mind, wishing I was dead. Not wanting to exist no more. One day i'm not going to have the strength to keep going and I really am going to become a whole lot fucking worse. I mean it. I can feel it. I'm so scared.
I even feel like taking a blade to my arms again. Something to take my mind off all of this. I don't wanna fucking feel like this. Please help me. Please.
