Tyler has been killed
Tyler, my cat that I've had for just a matter of weeks has died. She was hit by a car yesterday. She was just a few months old.

I had just gone to take a shower and out of the bathroom window noticed that she was laying there in the road, lifeless. I got dressed as quickly as I could and rushed out to her in my bare feet, blood coming out of her mouth and all over the tarmac.

Perhaps it's because I've already lost a good pet and friend two and a half years ago with Oogee or perhaps it was because I didn't have the pleasure of having Tyler as my pet for as long as I should have, but I didn't cry when I saw her laying there. I am as I write this, however.

I just looked at her, lifeless, my hands running through my hair out of desperation and sighing. There was a thought in my head that perhaps she was still alive, but it was when I knelt down to her that the life had completely gone from her still open eyes. I gently picked her body up and as I did so, more blood trailed from her mouth onto my hands, arms and clothes. I picked her up as I would normally, trying my best to stop it dripping but it was useless.

I took her inside, saying nothing to neither my Mum nor Gary and laid her gently in the back garden, kneeling down next to her with Gary standing besides me. I stroked the top of her head and her body and tried to close her eyes but they just wouldn't close. It was so distressing to see her like that. To see her bleeding from her mouth and for her eyes to still be open. I just wanted her to come back to life long enough for me to help her.

"Go on, go get cleaned up", Gary said to me and I did so. I began to cry as I walked back into the house, covered in blood and upstairs to the bathroom, where I had only just been getting ready to take a shower and make my way back to Chester. And now I had the prospect of dealing with another death as I had done so with Oogee.

I just stood there, crying, with my hands in the sink, with the water turning a horrible orange as the blood ran off my hands and arms. I took my clothes off and got in the shower, cleaning the rest of myself and feeling disgusting inside. Ill. Distraught.

When I got out of the shower, I went to my room to get dried and sat there for what seemed like a very long time. I took my blood-stained clothes downstairs and put them in the washing machine, again, trying my best to retain some sort of composure as before. Gary was in the kitchen.

"What have you done with her?", I asked.
"I've buried her", he replied, as he too began to cry.

He held his arms out and we hugged and I let out such a long and painful cry. It is so so very painful to lose a pet. Even one that you have known for just a few weeks. I felt like I was making a real connection with her and she was trusting me so well. I loved her and she loved me.

My Mum was sitting in the living room and she shouted through for me to have a drink of water. I don't think my Mum knows how to show the level of sympathy that many others do, as Gary did when he hugged me and allowed me to cry on his shoulder. It meant a lot to me.

I went back upstairs and got dressed, staying there at my computer for an hour, trying to find someone online to talk to about it. I also sent a text to Mike, saying that I wouldn't be feeling up to going out on Monday because of what happened. I recieved a text from Jamie a few minutes later, saying he was sorry about Tyler.

Gary asked me if I wanted to go back to Chester today or tomorrow. I said today. Though I wanted to simply hide in my room and mourn the loss of my cat, I didn't have time to, as I'm back in University on Monday. I had to go back.

I begun packing everything and taking it downstairs to the car. I felt horrible. I felt like I was forgetting her only a matter of hours after she had died because I was suddenly leaving. It made me feel guilty, but I had no choice but to leave and I knew that at least if I went back to Chester, I could have some time on my own.

Once everything was packed, my Mum and Gary got in the car and I made sure I had everything. Just before I left, I went out into the garden. Gary had already washed the area in which I had laid Tyler and at the back of the garden, surrounded by a few pebbles was where he had buried her. I went over and saw that Gary had broken the two small bowls that Tyler had used to eat and drink out of. He had placed them in the circle of pebbles. It was fitting.

I knelt down and just put my hand on one half of the broken bowl, knowing that just underneath, Tyler was now buried. "Goodbye", I said to myself. I could feel the tears welling up just under my eyes again but I held them back long enough to stand up and go and get in the car for the journey back to Chester.

On the way, I didn't say anything. I just looked at the reflection of myself in my phone and thought about what had happened just two hours ago and though I tried desperately not to, began crying in the backseat, as both my Mum and Gary were in the front. I didn't want them to hear and I tried so hard to cry in silence but after a while, it was too hard to hide it and I had to wipe my eyes and my nose eventually.

"That's a nice sunset isn't it, Neil?", Gary asked me. I didn't reply though. He hadn't realised I was crying. My Mum looked back at me though the side mirror and saw that I was, but she didn't say anything.

I felt like I was on my own in that car. I felt like they weren't as bothered about losing Tyler as I was because I know they weren't. They talked normally to each other while I was sat in the back crying. My Mum even began to talk about some murder program on TV. I thought it was insensitive and thoughtless.

As we arrived in Chester, I had to direct Gary on where to go. I tried my best to stop crying and tell him the directions. We were first stopping at Tesco to get some shopping for me and I didn't want to be crying in the store. My Mum also asked me if I wanted to go for a meal but I said no. I really didn't feel like sitting in some pub.

When we got to Tesco, my Mum went with me but I just wanted some time on my own, even if it was surrounded by a hundred strangers. I told her to go back to the car and I'd get what she wanted.

I did my best to maintain some sort of composure as I did my shopping, but it all felt so surreal. It was like the events of just a few hours ago hadn't happened and I was expected to just be normal. Just smile and go shopping and go for a meal.

I paid for my shopping and returned to the car at which point we drove back to my Chester house and unpacked. No one was in and I was happy of that. After unpacking, I walked back to the car. My Mum got out and I gave her a hug and said goodbye to her, bending over to reach into the car to say goodbye to Gary and shaking his hand to say thank you. Thank you for both bringing me back to Chester and thank you for burying Tyler.

For the rest of the evening, I put everything where it should be and then sat watching TV on my PC. I had planned to do work when I got back to Chester but it was the least of my worries right now. I didn't feel like doing anything.

About 9pm, Gary called me, saying that both he and my Mum were still in Chester in a pub and did I want to come and have a drink with them. I said no. He asked again and said that it might make me feel better but I said no again, but that I appreciated it. He handed me over to my Mum and she too invited me, but I said no.

The rest of the night was spent on my own. I needed to be alone. I stayed up until 6:30am, not wanting to and not being able to sleep, thoughts racing through my mind. Such a distressing, sad and unfair way for Tyler's life to end. I only hope that while she may have been bleeding when I found her, her death was as painless as possible and that she didn't suffer. I hope very very much that that was the case. Please let it be.

Today, I had to put on a fake smile and allow my landlord and a potential new housemate look around the house. It's hard trying to smile when you're in pain.

Kim came back just after the potential new housemate left and I told her what had happened. Although there is nothing that anyone can say that would make me feel better, she didn't seem very understanding, passing on it as if what I had just told her was an afterthought. Why do so many people lack sympathy when a pet is involved? If you love a pet and if you care for it as much as I did with Tyler, then it is no less painful than losing a loved person.

Tomorrow, I have to somehow give a short presentation at University. I have to put my fake smile back on. I wish I had longer to hide away.