So I went to college as normal. I went a bit earlier than normal so as to go and pick up the photos I put in after taking them with Stan last night (Wednesday night). As I was walking back and viewing them, I realised that actually, they weren't that good and I felt very disappointed that I'd spent �5 on developing them, only to find that most of them were blurry. There were one or two good shots, but not enough to warrant �5.
I made my way to college and the lesson was just carrying on from what we were doing last week, which was to design a new set of playing card symbols. I had already done one set of them at home and put them on my server so I could download them from college to show Brian, my tutor. He said they were good. He gave me an idea of how to go about making the playing cards in a shape other than a round edged rectangle and I went along with it.
Around 2:30pm, I asked Brian if I could go and see the photography teachers about the competition and he said yes. I made my way to the photography staff room to show one of the tutors the pictures that I thought were suitable for the competition. However, upon viewing them, he didn't look that impressed. I don't blame him really, but I have to admit that it was a little disappointing. He didn't say they were crap, but he didn't have to. The tone of his voice and the words he used were enough. He picked three out of the ones I'd taken, since three is the minimum amount you can enter into the competition. Then he said that they had to be 10x8 prints, which they weren't. That would mean I'd have to spend more money on getting three prints enlarged, with no real guarantee of seeing any of that money come back to me. He understood this and said that if I got went back to my multimedia class and printed them off in there on A4, that would be acceptable.
I went back to the class and asked Brian for some paper. Yeah, just my luck - no paper. I went back to the photography room and asked if they had any. None. I wasn't even sure if he meant photographic paper, or just high quality A4. Either way, I decided that my chances of winning �1000 were over.
I left college on my own because I stayed behind for a few minutes to copy things to a CD. It was raining lightly when I got out, and it was almost dark already, even though it was only 4pm. I made my 15 minute walk down to the station. Waves of depression were coming over me, like they had been all of the lesson, because of the situation at home. I just wanted to drop to the floor. I needed someone to hold me so much at that moment. There was a part of me that really wanted to just cry out for someone. But no. the rain rained and the darkness got darker. By the time I reached the station I didn't feel any better.
On the way home on the train, I tried to draw in my sketchbook. Logos at first and small doodles, but then I tried to draw someone sitting a few seats away from me. I don't know why I bothered though. I'm no sketch artist. I can't draw. Not faces. I got frustrated with myself for not being good at it, when I would very much like to be.
Once home, things with my mum seemed to of simmered slightly, since she didn't have a go at me more and the atmosphere was slightly better. It's not much though. I know that it could easily blow up again in a few days time.
My mood because of this isn't good at all. Last night, I felt really, really bad. Very depressed. Frustrated. Alone. Helpless.
A hug. That would be nice. From someone who cared. And online friends can't do that.
For hours on end, this despair stayed with me. To an extent, it's still with me today. It's wearing off, as it always does, for if I don't strive to work it off, it eats away at me that little bit more.
But I shouldn't have to feel despair in the first place.
To keep me occupied, I've been designing and designing in Photoshop all day since 2pm till 1am. It takes my mind off the fact that I want to curl up and die on days, weeks, like these. I've made a lot of progress. A design for an MSN game, graphics for an application and a website. The application and website are two projects that are being worked on by me, Liam and Nick, his boyfriend. They do the coding, I do the designing.
Someone in my guestbook suggested I sign the DLA form, even though it's illegal to do so. I am beginning to agree with them. Whatever I decide, I know people will say do otherwise. I can't please everyone. I don't want to please everyone. I just want things to be ok.
I want my mum to learn to be more accepting, understanding and rational.
I want someone to love me as I love them. A girlfriend.
Too much to ask I suppose.
I think there must be something wrong with me when it comes to girls. I don't think girls find me attractive. I don't know whether it's a personality issue or an appearance issue, but I don't feel as if I am attractive. I saw pictures of me that my friends in college had taken and I don't like the look of me either. I always get 'you're so sweet' or 'you're such a nice guy' from girls. But they'd never want this sweet nice guy, even though they say I am one. They say it, but don't want me. It's commonplace now. I don't expect a girl to ever want me as more than a friend no more because i'm always the 'nice guy but I'd never go out with him'. What is so wrong about me that I am not good enough to go out with? It both hurts and frustrates me.
