I woke up at around 10am to the sound of my mum talking to John, my social worker on the phone. I find it extremely helpful listening in when I am the one being talked about. Especially when bad things are being said about me.
My mum, for some reason, talks quite loud on the phone, so I could hear everything she was saying. It was not the nicest thing to wake up to.
She was saying something about how she's tryed to act like she doesn't care and she'd hoped that I would notice this and I dunno, I guess 'run back' to her. She then said that I hadn't done this. Well, obviously I hadn't done it. She just doesn't realise how much she hurt me on Saturday.
I went downstairs for a drink, after contemplating it for at least 30 minutes. This is how much I do not like being around my mum these days. Finally, I did go down and I got a drink. My mum stopped me before I went back upstairs and asked why I was avoiding her. I said 'what?' in order to give me just a few small seconds to think what to say. She said it again and I just said 'I've been awake all night'. It was true, but not the reason why I was avoiding her.
I went back to bed.
Around 11pm, or something like that she asked me how I was. I said I was ok. She then asked was I avoiding her. I didn't answer. She asked again. I said yes.
"Why?"
"Because of what you did on Saturday night"
"I just said what needed to be said and I don't take any of it back, Neil"
"Ok"
She then continued to reel off the (what is now becoming quite generic) speech about how she gives and I give nothing back. That I don't care etc. She is right about that. That I don't care. She thinks that without her I would be lost, and the truth is I couldn't be more free without her. She needs me more than I need her. This is what she does not see, nor do I have the energy or will to show her that, so I just said 'ok' to everything, and again, she stopped the generic speech. This is the way I get her to stop. By not saying anything myself. She reacts to others saying stuff. If I don't say anything, she has nothing to reply to. It always works. Thankfully.
The good thing, however is that while she was saying all of that, she took a preferred approach and decided to talk to me, rather than shout. This, I appreciated and in return, I gave her some of my time to talk to her. I do not waste my time, however, at people who just shout. It is not worth it.
So, as it stands, my mum is now very aware of the fact that I am avoiding her. Which I am glad of. What I don't think she realises, though, is the fact that I can do the avoiding thing forever more, since it's part of my nature anyway. I wonder, though, can she? I don't think so. This way will not work and I intend to show her that it won't.
On a much nicer note, I may be going to visit Natalie next week. You don't know how happy that makes me. To get to see her again. Words cannot describe how I feel.
Since all the above is still happening, I am not going to tell my mum until I am actually going. Perhaps the night before. It doesn't concern her anyway in my opinion, since she has shown me that she lacks compassion and understanding when it comes to issues regarding me.
I seem to have got back to that topic again. This is how much it's bugging me. I know that it won't be sorted out in the near future either.
Going to see Natalie, however will make me feel great inside. It always does. Even the thought of seeing her again makes me feel nice inside. I actually do feel like i'm truly alive around her. That I have a place where I am wanted. It makes me feel content and just great. I don't think she'll ever know just how much.
I am happy about this. Very much so.
Speaking of travelling; I was thinking before. About how, if I had enough money I would love to travel to places. I don't mean abroad. I just mean get on a train and get off at a random stop and go see what's there. I like getting lost. I like having to find my way back to somewhere I know. I like being places I've never been before. I'd love to just stay out for the day and night. Somewhere I don't know and haven't been before. I think I'd like it. Of course, when you think about it, in reality it maybe wouldn't be such a good idea. I mean, for one, there is the weather, ie cold and wet. Two, is money, which would obviously run out. And three, is somewhere to sleep and just basically be safe. These things would have to come before this little 'trip'. It could also be a way of getting away from home for a few days. But, unfortunatly, I am a poor little boy who does not have any money for such an interesting journey, so, I shall have to wait until one day I do.
2:55am
