I AM NOT LOSING IT.
I may be depressed, but I am not going crazy. I am not crazy. "Losing it"...that makes me angry.
There is now a hole in the wall by my bed a few inches across in all directions. I hit my elbow against it...on purpose, multiple times. It may be stupid but I do it anyway.
My mum is gonna ring the doctors tomorrow to make another appointment with him cos I don't think the Prozac is helping no more. The edge it used to take off is still there these days. I feel like crap most days. I don't want to feel like this. I need something stronger. I need to get out of my mind. Sleep is the only way to do that, but you can only sleep for so long before you have to wake to find you feel exactly how you did before you closed your eyes.
Over the past few days I've had a weird sleeping pattern again. Yesterday I went to bed at 7pm, woke up at 3am, went back to bed at 8am, woke up at 11am and i'm tired now and it's 6:40pm. I'd try harder to stay awake until a later time. Maybe around 10 or 11pm, but a) I've had migrain all day and it makes me a bit groggy and b) There's not a lot to stay awake for anyway. I've been trying to get back to sleep since around 4pm but with no luck. Insted I put a few holes in the wall as I said further up.
Recently, I've been giving thought to running away from home. Sometimes I just can't deal with being here. Being within these walls. Being around my mum. It irritates me, which is why the thought of running away sounds appealing.
I know I'd never do it though.
I'd like to, but I'd never survive. No money and nowhere to go. It's not a good idea. I'm 17, and lived in Kirkby all my life, but I'd still get lost if I went far enough.
Strange, but I like getting lost. I like not knowing where I am. I like the thoughts that come into my head. What will I do? How will I get home? etc. It's exciting. I don't want to be homeless, though. Still, it's on my mind.
The only person that makes me feel like I am worth something is Natalie. I dunno. She just makes me feel so much better all the time. Whether it's talking to her online or in person, I feel content with her. It's a lovely feeling to have and I only have it with her. It's one of the reasons she is my best mate, and will always be. I still consider her my soul mate. I think I always will, as well. It took me 17 years to find her. I'll never let go of her.
6:48pm
