I'm jealous of them both. Sorry, but I am. I miss holding someone. I want to so much.
When her boyfriend comes round I feel really bad. I feel jealous. I feel angry. I feel useless and alone even moreso than usual. It's not they're fault. I know. It's all mine. I can't help it though. It's how I always feel. And it leads me to cut, which i'm doing now.
I can feel myself falling deeper now. Feeling worse than maybe 5 or 6 hours ago. Blood running starting to run on my arm. I couldn't care less where it was running from or to really. It could spill all over the desk or wherever and I wouldn't care. It's only blood. Who needs it. Not me anyway. Not right now.
Damn. I'm running out of blades. I've got about 3 or 4 left. Then I'll have to attempt to get more from somewhere. "Not to be sold to under 16's" it says on the pack. I think I look older than 16, but not by much. I know that if I do try and buy them, they'll probably ask me how old I am. Maybe even ask for ID. They didn't last time, but there's always a first for it...unfortunatly.
I think I'll go back to cutting now, since there isn't any kind of distraction available to me right now. Any ideas are welcome.
3:15am
6:02am
I now have a gaping cut on my left arm. It was previously done a week ago and tonight I opened it up a lot more. It's very big, and it's very sore. It's actually one of the ones that has hurt the most after I'd done it.
I've totally ruined my left arm. There's a lot of cuts on it just from tonight. I'd say at least 30 slashes. Then you've got my left arm as well which has about 10 slashes on it which are gonna scar well. I'm dreading to think what the one on my left arm will look like when it's healed. It's gonna look terrible.
6:06am
