Don't want to explain everything that went on in the last week at Natalie's, except to say things changed on Sunday. I cried lots. Lots. Got my heart broken and mended by the same person. Turned to her for a hug. Felt better. Feel better than Sunday. Still feel like I've lost something though. I'd give anything to have it back.
I'm glad we're still the best of friends though. I'd hate to lose her as my best friend.
I don't regret anything other than how it ended. I didn't think it'd end so soon, either.
I need to talk to someone about how I feel. I've done that. I talked to Natalie. She makes me feel better. Even in this situation.
But it's not enough.
The person who I tell everything to I can't tell them the thing I want to tell them the most. Can't express how I feel fully for them. For fear of hurting them. I don't want to hurt them.
I have to turn to the only other person I have. My mum.
Hmm. What to say. Where to start. How to end.
I walked in the door at around 10:30pm tonite. A few minutes later I went in the kitchen while my mum was in the living room and said to her (while I was still in the kitchen),
"There's something I have to tell you but I'll tell you tomorrow".
"What?"
"I'll tell you tomorrow"
"Why not now?"
"Because i'm too tired"
"What's wrong Neil?"
"I'll tell you tomorrow"
"Bad?"
"Yes"
"To do with you?"
"Yes"
"What then?"
"I'll tell you tomorrow"
"Is it the pills?"
"No"
"To do with you?"
"Yes"
"And Natalie?"
"Yes."
(at this point maybe it would be wise to mention my mum doesn't know anything other than me and Natalie have always been friends)"Tell me"
"Should be thankful I never came home on Sunday, otherwise I would of been in tears"
"So?"
"So it would of been bad"
"I won't sleep tonight if I don't know whats up"
"I'll tell you in the morning"
Silence...
I feel lonely again.
I'm tired now.
Goodnight.
12:46am
