Here's the highlights of the last three months.
The first thing is most certainly meeting a girl called Rachael early in October for what was an amazing two nights of sex. Yes, after a good 19 months of not having sex, I finally had some in October.
I had been talking to Rachael online and on the phone since August and although to begin with, she was giving me all of the signs that she just wasn't that interested, eventually, she decided that it was good idea and after long, long phonecalls, we met.
I met her on a Friday and I had the best time with her for two days and two nights. She was lovely. I really liked her.
On the Sunday that she had to go home, I took her to the station and gave her a long hug and a kiss goodbye, knowing that we had had a great time together and I was confident that I'd see her again.
The very next day, it was clear that was not to be the case. Sometimes chatlogs tell the story without me having to so read through this:
[20:09:54] It feels so GOOD to be back online!: I had such a nice time with you. :)
[20:10:14] Rachael: good, I'm glad
[20:10:32] It feels so GOOD to be back online!: Did you?
[20:10:39] Rachael: yes :)
[20:11:00] It feels so GOOD to be back online!: I hope we can do it again some time.
[20:11:26] It feels so GOOD to be back online!: I don't want it to be just a one off thing and it never happen again. I definitely want to see you again.
[20:12:02] Rachael: well mush, you know I'm not looking for anything serious
[20:12:12] Rachael: I'm just trying to be a slag while I still can
[20:12:23] Rachael: and you know what I said, I can't stay tied to one thing too long
[20:12:41] It feels so GOOD to be back online!: I know you're not looking for anything serious, but I assumed that you wanted to meet up now and then.
[20:13:00] Rachael: I'm not going to say yes or no right now
[20:13:12] It feels so GOOD to be back online!: Oh, ok. :/
[20:13:27] Rachael: dont be like that
[20:14:16] It feels so GOOD to be back online!: I just thought that you had a nice enough time that you'd want to do it again.
[20:15:08] Rachael: don't say it like that
[20:15:12] Rachael: I did have a really nice time
[20:15:39] It feels so GOOD to be back online!: ok
[20:22:36] Rachael: it's great that you're so talkative today
[20:23:02] It feels so GOOD to be back online!: I suppose I'm just a little disappointed that maybe you aren't as keen to meet up again as I thought you would be.
[20:23:23] Rachael: moping isnt going to change anything
[20:25:00] Rachael: ok well I'm not gonna stay here if you're going to be like this
[20:25:46] It feels so GOOD to be back online!: I think you would feel a little disappointed too if things were reversed though.
[20:26:28] Rachael: no mush
[20:26:38] Rachael: i've been across the country to see quite a few people like this
[20:26:46] Rachael: and I know I'm not going to see them again
[20:26:49] Rachael: and they know that too
[20:27:02] It feels so GOOD to be back online!: I was hoping you might like to see each other again.
[20:27:15] Rachael: I havent even said no and you're freaking out
[20:27:38] It feels so GOOD to be back online!: Ok, I won't say anything more about it.
[20:28:03] Rachael: I'm not what you need mush
[20:28:11] Rachael: I think you need someone who can be there all the time
[20:28:13] Rachael: and I can't do that
[20:28:18] Rachael: nothing even close
[20:29:08] It feels so GOOD to be back online!: I'm totally happy to not have something serious with you. Like I said, I'm just a little disappointed that you don't seem as interested in meeting me again as I am in meeting you again.
[20:29:47] Rachael is now Offline
[20:30:39] Rachael: well then maybe you had the wrong end of the stick
[20:30:56] Rachael: because I never said I'd be up and down the country seeing you all the time
[20:31:04] It feels so GOOD to be back online!: No I know. That's unrealistic.
[20:31:59] It feels so GOOD to be back online!: Anyway nevermind. I'll get over it.
[20:32:12] Rachael: well thanks for making me feel guilty
[20:35:26] It feels so GOOD to be back online!: Like I said, forget I said anything, really. It doesn't matter. I won't mention it now. Talk normally.
[20:35:39] Rachael: I'm gonna go now
[20:35:50] It feels so GOOD to be back online!: Goodnight xxx
[20:35:57] Rachael is now Offline
Prior to meeting up, she had been calling me and texting me pretty much EVERY day for roughly five weeks. On Monday, Tuesday and the following days, there was nothing from her. Although we had flirted incessantly online, it was now "Sorry, not in the mood" from her. It was like she had totally forgotten I had existed. I felt quite, well, used.
About two weeks later after continuing to talk to her and realising that she had well and truly changed, I just got straight to the point with her.
[15:21:31] Prescription drug or metal band? 29) Ensiferum: Just quite lonely. In need of some affection. :)
[15:21:40] Made Up Love Song: aww
[15:21:42] Made Up Love Song: (K)
[15:22:21] Prescription drug or metal band? 29) Ensiferum: That's the first kiss you've given me in three weeks.
[15:22:47] Made Up Love Song: really?
[15:22:54] Made Up Love Song: doesnt 'x' count as a kiss?
[15:24:29] Prescription drug or metal band? 29) Ensiferum: You haven't given me many of those either recently. I feel like you're bored of me these days I guess. Like you act differently towards me now that we've met up. Like the novelty has gone? I dunno. But I liked you calling me babe and calling me randomly. Which you still do and I like that you do. I like your voice. But yeah.
[15:24:54] Made Up Love Song: urm, dunno what to say to that really
[15:29:49] Made Up Love Song: i dont really know what you expect from me
[15:30:50] Prescription drug or metal band? 29) Ensiferum: You changed after you met me, that's all. All the affection that you showed disappeared almost completely.
[15:32:39] Made Up Love Song: I think that's kinda just how I am
[15:32:52] Prescription drug or metal band? 29) Ensiferum: yeah
[15:35:57] Prescription drug or metal band? 29) Ensiferum: Why do you talk to me then
[15:36:02] Made Up Love Song: dunno
[15:41:53] Prescription drug or metal band? 29) Ensiferum: I think I feel, well, a bit used? Because I know I like you more than you like me. I'm totally fine with the fact that it's just a friends with benefits thing like you said, but to go from telling me everything you did before we met and all the flirting and laughing and just things like saying "I miss you" to pretty much nothing at all...just makes me a little hurt to know that you can turn off all of the affection you gave me so easily and quickly, whereas even though I know it's only a casual thing, I'm still happy to tell you that you're pretty and that I miss you.
[15:45:04] Prescription drug or metal band? 29) Ensiferum: It confuses me how you've changed towards me, yet all I've done is be nice to you. Maybe I'm wrong so correct me if I am, but you're uncomfortable about getting close to anyone in case they hurt you so you switch off any affection for them before that can happen? I understand that, but still, it leaves me feeling quite bewildered, really.
[15:45:44] Made Up Love Song: you're not my type
[15:45:45] Made Up Love Song: ok
[15:45:47] Made Up Love Song: there i said it
[15:45:56] Made Up Love Song: and it's not meant in a bad way
[15:46:03] Made Up Love Song: i'm just saying
[15:46:26] Made Up Love Song: also, things are getting a little serious again with my ex
[15:46:37] Made Up Love Song: so i havent really felt like being affectionate
[15:46:53] Prescription drug or metal band? 29) Ensiferum: ok
[15:48:15] Made Up Love Song is now Offline
Talk about kicking me when I'm down. What? I'm not her type? Why the fuck would you sleep with someone that's not your type? Be SO passionate with someone? Tell someone everything that she told me? I felt well and truly hurt.
[20:55:20] Made Up Love Song: fuck me you're moody today
[20:56:13] Prescription drug or metal band? 30) Ambien: I'm eating and I don't really know what to say after you told me you're not really interested in me and stuff. I think it made me feel rather used.
[20:56:34] Made Up Love Song: well i cant control that you think that
[20:56:37] Made Up Love Song: but it's pretty stupid
[20:56:51] Made Up Love Song: baring in mind that i cant control what i consider 'my type' either
[20:57:09] Made Up Love Song: and what the hell would i have used you for?
[20:58:07] Prescription drug or metal band? 30) Ambien: I'm not saying this because I want to argue or anything like that. But yeah, I feel kind of hurt by you.
[20:58:22] Made Up Love Song: why?
[20:58:25] Made Up Love Song: what have i done?
[20:59:23] Prescription drug or metal band? 30) Ambien: Like I said, before we met, you treated me really nicely and affectionately and then two days later, you totally switched off from me. That feels pretty hurtful.
[20:59:51] Made Up Love Song: things change when people meet eachother
[21:00:06] Prescription drug or metal band? 30) Ambien: It didn't on my end.
[21:00:14] Made Up Love Song: well then did on mine
[21:00:19] Prescription drug or metal band? 30) Ambien: Yeah
[21:00:28] Made Up Love Song: i dont get you
[21:00:34] Made Up Love Song: you knew the whole time that it was just casual
[21:00:40] Made Up Love Song: you're making it out to be this massive thing
[21:01:55] Prescription drug or metal band? 30) Ambien: Casual is great. I loved it. But I also thought you wanted more than just to meet once and then just completely stop liking me after that. It's the way you did it so quickly and so easily.
[21:02:09] Made Up Love Song: i never told you i wanted to see you more than once
[21:02:13] Made Up Love Song: not even hinted at it
[21:02:18] Made Up Love Song: because i didnt want to
[21:02:21] Made Up Love Song: even before i met you
[21:04:42] Prescription drug or metal band? 30) Ambien: I realise that it meant more to me than it did to you. My problem I guess. But I don't think it's unreasonable to feel like you want to meet someone more than once if you like them and had a good time with them.
[21:05:34] Made Up Love Song: whatever, that's fine
[21:05:40] Made Up Love Song: but i'm telling you now that it's not gonna happen
[21:07:12] Prescription drug or metal band? 30) Ambien: Yeah, I realise that now unfortunately. And that's why I feel quite rejected by you because of how you treated me while you were with me. It's not something I'm used to. I've had casual sex before, but we've always just carried on being the same with each other the day after and you were very different with me.
[21:08:01] Made Up Love Song: because i dont want you getting clingy
[21:08:03] Made Up Love Song: like you have been
[21:08:25] Made Up Love Song: i didnt wanna tell you to your face these things because I think you're quite a troubled person
[21:08:47] Made Up Love Song: so I put on a front and let you enjoy the company
And about ten minutes later she went offline. And never came back online ever again.
When someone says all of these things to you and you actually shared something really nice with them just a few days beforehand, it feels like someone is continually shooting you in the heart. I'm troubled? She put on a front? I'm not her type? These things all made me feel really shit.
The next day, I saw that she had also deleted me from her Facebook and OKCupid friends lists, essentially deleting me from her life.
And that was Rachael. Great two days, shit aftermath.
Moving on.
The next week, I actually met up with another girl. Her name is Ann-Kathrin, but her nickname is Fritzi. She's from Luxembourg and studying illustration at Blackpool Uni. I met her via the concert I was going to, Video Games Live. She posted on the same discussion board as me and then we got talking on MSN. I loved the fact that she was so into soundtrack music and the fact that she was an amazing illustrator blew me away. We arranged to meet and I went to see her for the day in Blackpool. We kissed and watched a film in her room but didn't do anything further than that.
While on MSN, we had talked about having a hotel room to ourselves and what we could do in there. It was me who wanted it though, moreso than her. Having said that she ended up saying something along the lines of if we got on well then she'd like to do it.
A week later, I travelled to London for my concert. While on the train there, she text me saying that staying at my hotel wasn't a good idea. I had actually totally forgotten that she had said it anyway so I wasn't that bothered. I was more interested in the concert.
My hotel room was very small and it stunk of smoke regardless of how much deodorant I sprayed or how long I left the window open for. Still, I was excited about the concert.
I headed to the Royal Festival Hall, getting lost along the way and asking for directions only to be told I was standing outside it. I felt rather stupid, but nevertheless, I was there!
I text Fritzi now and then, just seeing where she was. She said she was on her way. She was with friends though who were also coming to watch the concert so I knew that I couldn't really spend that much time with her.
My seat was right in the middle of the upper level of the hall. It was perfect. Fritzi text me saying she was down below. Unfortunately, we had already booked our seats before we had gotten to know each other and they couldn't really be further apart. I was up in the heavens, while she was right by the stage. She told me to come and sit by her, since she had a spare seat after one of her friends couldn't make it. I said I wanted to but that I was scared they wouldn't let me back in. I really did want to sit with her, but I was just worried and nervous about seeing her again.
I could see her from where I was sitting and text her, telling her to look behind her to see me waving. But she said no. She was annoyed at me because I wouldn't come and sit with her. I felt bad after that.
The concert itself was amazing. It was so good. Listening to all of those video game theme tunes via a live orchestra was perfect. They also had two competitions, one of which saw a guy get up on stage and have a game of Frogger on massive screen in front of him and then an opponent try and beat his score. The whole audience got behind both of them and really cheered them on. It was a great experience.
At the interval, I went to see Fritzi in the foyer. I gave her a hug and a kiss, but she didn't really give off any good vibes and I felt like maybe I shouldn't have kissed her. She's a very difficult person to read. I tried to just be friendly instead. Her two friends came over too and they were nice enough.
I said I'd see her after the concert and went back to my seat for the second half of the show. Again, awesome second half.
After the concert, I walked back to the station with Fritzi and her two friends. She interlocked her arm with mine, which made me feel wanted by her. She's awfully quiet so little things like that are important.
We all got on the same tube train, but she had to get off a few stops before me. I gave her a hug and said I'd talk to her online. I gave her a kiss, but again, it didn't feel very well reciprocated and I thought maybe there was something happening between her and one of the guys she was with. I wasn't sure, though.
I returned back to my hotel and then went home the next morning, back to Chester.
Great concert, great seeing Fritzi, but I realised that as more than a friend, she was defintiely not for me.
Moving on.
I began working for Spira Creative again around the second week of October part time. I liked working for them. It meant that although it was only half the cash, I was still getting lots of experience and stuff to add to my portfolio.
I finally bought my new camera some time about November. A Canon IXUS 960IS. It's perfect. It cost me £250 but it was well worth it.
My Uni work proved to be much more difficult this year compared to last. I know that's to be expected, though. Some of the projects I've had to do are interesting and challenging, whereas others are just frustrating. In particular, one called Research Methods has me trying to come up with alternative uses for Chester city walls. I've really struggled with it and it's easily my worst project.
The second worst would be Writing for Design. I have to write a 2,500 word essay by March and also get a workbook together to support it. I'm only just getting stuff together now.
My infatuation with Alycia, one of the girls on my course has not disappeared over Summer. I don't know what it is about this girl, but I just want her. There's about five girls on my course that I quite fancy, but with Alycia, it's not me wanting to sleep with her, I just have an urge to take care of her. Cuddle her and make her a smile. It frustrates the hell out of me that I can't do these things because she's not single and even if she was, I doubt I'm her type.
It's even worse in some ways that I'm friends with her and that we talk more now that we did last year, especially since she now has MSN. I try to stay platonic, but I end up subtley flirting with her and then close my eyes and put my hand over my face and think something along the lines of "Why would you say that to her?!". I just can't help myself. She's lovely.
We're actually doing a project together, along with Tom. A stop motion animation project in which me and Alycia are superheroes and Tom is Mr. Evil. It's been great working with her.
Why do I go for all the wrong girls?
Speaking of Tom, and indeed everyone else on my course, there's a much stronger friendship between everyone this year. I know the names of everyone and everyone knows my name. It's nice to be able to walk down the street sometimes and be able to say hello to someone passing you. The same is true with Tom's housemates, who now see me as one of their friends much more strongly.
That reminds me. In November, I was voted student rep for second year graphic design. I'm now repsonsible for 60 people's thoughts and opinions. I quite like the fact that I'm the rep, but I think I got voted simply because no one else wanted to do it. I think I'm best suited for the job though.
My housemates are great to live with and I'm glad that I chose to live with them. At first, I was quite uncomfortable living with them, but now that I've been living there for about three months, I feel like I can be myself around them. I feel comfortable. I like the fact that Emilie and Hannah feel comfortable enough with me to just sit in my room and talk to with me. I like it when someone knocks on my door and just wants to ask me something, but ends up sitting down and talking about other stuff too.
Unfortunately, I had to quit working for Spira Creative earlier in December because it was proving to be too much work that I had to do along with my Uni work. They were very understanding and said they'd be happy for me to work for them in the Summer and also do my work based learning there in April. I'm actually a little worried for them, since they rely on me for all of their graphic design and without me, their websites are going to look really crap.
Another thing I'm worried about is that since they know they need a graphic designer, they'll probably have to hire one very soon and if they're good, that means that they won't need me. If they don't need me, that means that they won't need me to work for them next Summer.
The money that I've earned from my job over the Summer just gone and from the three months I've worked for them while at Uni has come in very handy. Currently, even after paying rent and usual costs of living, I still have £1700. I think it's great that if I do need to buy anything, I have enough money to do so.
Just before I returned home for Christmas (which is where I'm writing this from), I went for a night out with everyone. It was great. I went out with Tom and his housemates, but met up with my own housemates in the club. It was a great night and I took loads of pics. I ended up getting a cab back home with my housemates. In the cab, they asked me if I fancy Hannah. "No comment", I said. "You DO!", they shouted and laughed. The fact is, I do. I think she's nice, but I'd never even consider anything with her, since she's my housemate! She did have a boyfriend up until this month too, but she broke up with him to be with someone else. I'm a little worried that maybe they'll tell her I like her.
Having just written the above paragraph, I'm starting to realise that maybe Hannah was actually IN the cab at the time they asked me and I just was too drunk to realise. I remember seeing Emilie, Kim and Kate in front of me, but I can't remember seeing Hannah. Maybe she was sitting next to me on the other single seat. I was really drunk so she could well have been there. Oh crap. So if she was, that means she heard my "No comment" comment. Ah well. No big deal.
Once home, I fell in the front door, drunk and we all had a bit of a drunken laugh in the living room before finally going to bed. It was a great night.
Before I came home, I was very much considering staying in Chester over Christmas. It's such a hassle to bring everything back home and since Gary doesn't have a car just now, it meant that I had to get a taxi back. However, my DVD drive doesn't work and I need Tony to look at it for me. The only way that could happen is if I came home so he can. That really is the only reason I came home.
It cost me £46 to get home. £46! I didn't realise it'd be so much. If I took the train, it costs me £6. But of course, I can't carry a computer and a monitor and a suitcase on a train so I had to get a cab. And I'll have to pay another £46 to get back.
The same night, I went out with some of my Liverpudlian friends. It turned into quite a dissappointment. Firstly, though Kim, Jamie's girlfiend said be there at 7:30pm, both she, he and Mike didn't turn up until 8:10pm, leaving me and Patrick sitting there trying to amuse ourselves. I haven't seen Patrick for a while so I tried my best to make conversation, but when there's only two of you it gets quite hard. Jo and Rob also turned up before them.
By about 9pm, me and maybe one or two other people were suggesting we go some other places, but it quickly became apparant that Kim was planning to go at 10pm which apparantly meant that Jamie was too. I was quite confused.
"I assumed we were staying out all night. I was up for that", I said to Jamie. He looked at me a little awkwardly.
"I can't dude", he said, "Kim wants to go"
"So?"
"So I have to go with her"
"What? If you wanna stay out, stay out"
"I can't"
That annoyed me. It annoyed me that Kim apparantly had that much control over him that he felt he needed to go when she did.
When he went to the bar for a drink, I joined him and just spent a few minutes talking to him.
"I mean this as a mate, you know I do, but if Kim is stopping you from staying out, that's wrong"
"Yeah"
"If you wanna stay out, you should"
"I can't man"
"No girl should have that kind of control over you"
He's just really scared of losing her after he has already lost Danielle a year ago. But I just find it really wrong.
Kim came over after a while and interrupted, pulling Jamie back to the table. That made me feel quite frustrated too. I hadn't finished speaking to him.
Back at the table, I recieved a text from him, though he was sitting across the table from me.
"Sorry man, I really wanna come out but Kim would have my nuts"
I looked over at him and shook my head slightly and sigh. I text him back, saying something along the lines of what I had already said to him about no one having that kind of control over him. He didn't reply though.
Patrick ended up leaving about 9:40, then Jo and Rob left about 9:50 and then about 10pm, Jamie and Kim said they were leaving.
By now, I had had a fair bit to drink and it was just me and Mike left. We decided to head into town on our own instead for a drink. He bought me another pint and a shot and we sat down, but like I said, when it's just two guys, it's pretty damn boring. After one drink, we went home, but not before I told him to keep an eye on Jamie. I was drunk, but I never mix my words. Everything I said was logical and I meant it all. I said that since he sees him more than I do, to simply keep an eye on him and make sure he's ok. Mike said ok, but I think he thought I was simply talking rubbish and had had too much to drink.
It's Jamie's birthday today. He's pretty much living at Kim's place currently so they've invited everyone there to celebrate it. I'll be going, but I don't really want to stay there for hours on end, simply because I think houseparties are kind of boring. There's not enough variation when you're just sitting about in a living room.
On Christmas Eve, Gary decided to go AWOL, exactly like last year. He just disappeared. So, just like last year, it ended up being just me and my Mum for Christmas, with her being upset because he wasn't with her for Christmas. It's now two days later and he hasn't turned up, but has been texting her saying that he'll be back soon. I wish she'd just leave him, but she just says she loves him and she can't. So, though for three years it's pretty much been this every Christmas, no doubt next year, it'll be the same.
I plan on going back to Chester next Friday, ten days before Uni starts. I'm going early, simply because I think I'll work better in my Chester bedroom, rather than here. I've outgrown my own bedroom now. I feel more comfortable in Chester.
I think I've covered everything important in this entry that's happening in the last three months. There's probably little things that I've missed out but it's hard to remember 90 days of events. It's pretty much the usual stuff though, really, isn't it? Sex, friends and family.
And this concludes my entry. I'll try to update more often somehow, but I always either forgot or just can't be bothered. But stay tuned.
