"So you sit there, and you say you adore me. You want me to say the same back? I couldn't, no matter how much you wished for it. You don't make me happy, Neil. You're so wrapped up in how "depressed" you are that you make everyone else around you feel like shit."

said Lisa, Friday night, along with many other things.

She had a very big go at me for being the way I am.

Maybe I do make every one else feel like shit.

"You don't make me happy, Neil"...were all the times she laughed with me a lie?

The tears were ready for falling and my heart was already broke. To have one of my best friends tell me that I don't make them happy hurt more than anything else she said to me.

I didn't talk to her at all yesterday, because I didn't want her to start again at me. I haven't talked to her today either, but I sent her an email, telling her how I felt and if she wants to talk to me she can, but I don't know what to say to her. She sent one back, saying I had hurt her best friend and I had made her depressed again.

"and to see her hurt again by things you'd said"

But I never said anything hurtful. I tried to be someone who would listen to her and care about her. I thought I was being helpful, not hurtful.

"I don't think it's fair that you constantly make your depressive state known to anyone and everyone."

But she asked how I was. Do I lie and say i'm ok? I feel close enough to Lisa to tell her my true feelings. Do I hide them instead?

Her friend started talking to me again last night, after not doing so for a month or two. She said she was sorry for doing so. She also said sometimes I make her feel bad when I talk about being depressed.

I think I have lost Lisa as a best friend. I don't think she likes me much no more. I feel such loss. I can only say sorry so many times for who and/or what I am. Do I say sorry for trying to listen to her friend's problems? Sorry for caring? Lisa says I am responsible for her friend starting to self harm again which makes me feel extremely guilty for simply listening to what she had to say.

I realise that to anyone reading this, it may seem disjointed because I've left parts out.

Lisa means a great deal to me. To have her tell me I don't make her happy and then to tell me that I have made someone else unhappy too is a lot to take in. Maybe it would be best if I simply didn't talk to either of them no more.

Maybe I shouldn't talk to anyone if I have this effect on people.